I mean seriously,why? this doesn’t make me happy…at all and I’m well award of that…i’m pushing people I love aways just not to be in a situation where I have to eat…I know that’s ridiculous but every single time I’ve taught well fuck this i’m eating “normally” again there’s that small fucking voice whispering to me : ” well you will get even fatter if you do”…and I just can’t shut it up.  For example, yesterday was my friend’s birthday dinner at a restaurant that I use to loved, I was so proud of myself for not canceling, I ate a goat cheese pizza(which is my favorite) with red wine, I had fun, I laugh, I even had some birthday cake and not single fuck was given…..until I was alone back home then hell broke loose.  I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t move, all I could think of was everything I had and how I couldn’t purge it, I cried and felt so guilty …so I end up fasting today and probably tomorrow too…I don’t want to be like this but I’m obviously not strong enough for recovery.

(Source: selfdestructionisbeautiful)

(Source: b-l-0-n-d-e-z)

I had a great new today at work, I got a new position where I will be working daytime and Monday to Friday, which is almost impossible to acquire before at least 10 to 15 years of seniority…but my coworkers bought me a box of fine chocolates to congratulate me…I ate one, to be polite…then two …tree and I just finish the whole box…I even stop to the grocery store to buy some mac and cheese with every intention to purge it…..why am I doing this ….I just can’t stop myself…every emotion have become triggering…it’s like : I’m happy, let’s binge/purge…I’m so fucking depress well let’s binge and purge ……this need to stop!…sorry for the rant…

that…just that!

(Source: sojustholdme)

someone told me I look fragile today… it made my day….on the other side I’m pretty sure they didn’t mean it as a compliment

(Source: bulimia101)

want to be like this, please

(Source: pescatarian-queen)